Is it just me....

Or is all the Bad PR drying up?

When this blog started I was getting at least one Bad PR experience per day and at least one per week that was worth writing about. I used to just forget about the mediocre Bad PR stories, safe in the knowledge that a real corker would come along soon enough and I'd be able to rant for a bit. Bad PR It was like the never ending bottle of crap booze.

But over the past few weeks things seemed to have dried up....

Maybe Bad PR has won the war....Maybe it's the credit crunch...??

I'm off out of the country later today, and won't return until January.

There's a part of me that hopes the Bad PR returns in 2009.

So, er, Merry Christmas I suppose.

Why have a dog and bark yourself?

It might come as a surprise to readers of this blog, but I have a lot of sympathy for PRs. It's a tough job, pleasing your clients while pleasing journalists is an unenviable task. An impossible mission at times. Though, at other times it's very f*cking easy, which is why I rant here....

Like most magazines, we're not news led, by the time we've been printed and distributed the multitude of daily web news services will have covered the news and consigned it to the waste bin of their archives.

We do, however, re-produce some of the previous month's bigger stories as briefs, adding a bit of value where possible. The briefs pages by their nature include quite a few different stories, often accompanied by the odd photo.

We always do the briefs pages last, so the news is as up to date as possible, which means we need a quick turnaround. So when I send a message off to a press@company.com media relations contact, requesting a photo, there's a much better chance that a photo will get published if I get sent one back. If, on the other hand, I get sent a link to an online repository, where I need to register - except I can't because the site is always down - there is a much greater chance that I'll write it off and get on with something else.

The thing is, if I ask a PR for a photo, they shouldn't really tell me to go and get it myself. I know it sounds lazy, but hey, I'm busy and part of the PRs role is serving the journo while serving the client. If I get asked to get something myself, I won't. And then nobody wins. It's not like I'm biting my nose off to spite my face, I'll just print the photo that the PR who could be arsed has sent in.

The dog's bolluks

We've had a few comments on Bad PR. Nothing like the BBC's Have Your Say, granted, but generally speaking they've been fairly balanced, well considered and rather amusing.

Back in October we ran a story about some fairly 'ambitious' commissioning. It wasn't really Bad PR, but it was pretty funny, so up it went....

Well, the subject the post wrote in, clearly he'd Google'd his own name and seen it crop up on this blog, and clearly he was not best pleased.

If you want to see the original post - it's called Bolluk's and was back at the beginning of October. It's pretty funny, but nowhere near as funny as his response.

For those of you that don't bother reading comments or digging back into the archives, here's the response.....

Tembo says

I had thought of writing a long rejoinder citing my extreme distaste for petit bourgeois ignoramuses, but I think that this implied criticism of your general attitude and world view - as exhibited in your pathetic post - will suffice. I leave you to mull over two poems, plus a reference in the Bible, which describe amply where I stand; you may be sure that I will never revisit this site:

Living is no laughing matter:

you must live with great seriousness

like a squirrel, for example-

I mean without looking for something beyond and above living,

I mean living must be your whole occupation.



Yasamak sakaya gelmez,

buyuk bir ciddiyetle yasayacaksin

bir sincap gibi mesela,

yani, yasamanin disinda ve otesinde hicbir sey beklemeden,

yani butun isin gucun yasamak olacak

The Middle Kingdom

In those days we spent our time
sitting quietly in softly lighted rooms
designed for that purpose, trying not
to let any involuntary line of thought
arrive at its logical (and, of course,
regrettable) conclusion: namely
that our days were numbered.


We were all well-fed and warmly clothed, and
experienced no misgivings on this account.
The oceans were calm and shallow,
the rivers stocked with salmon. Each spring
brilliantly coloured birds passed over
on their way to northern lakes and hills.
Poems were often penned concerning
their brief and glorious transit. When
they returned in autumn we succumbed
to appropriate feelings of mild regret.

Our figurative art gave no hint of the fact
that male animals experienced erections,
nor were children obliged to light the match
that would incinerate their families.
Similarly it was not considered necessary
to rip your opponent’s lips from his face
or force him to digest his ears.

How slow that time now seems,
how sweet, how gradual every graceful gesture!
But it is impossible to regret its passing
It was not a time of truth and realism.
The passage of migratory birds
did not accord to the facts, nor
the coming of spring, nor a man’s respect
for women, nor courtesy, friendship, honour…

Regret is impossible
(and, besides, nostalgia
is an imprisonable offense) now
that every issue is as clear as blood,
bright as tears, and we live
in understanding even as we die.

John Ash


Mark 6:11 King James version.

Goodbye forever.

Lest we forget

Today is Remembrance Day. Here is how I have variously seen it marked so far:

1. A mass brawl involving some 40 youths in school uniform outside Balham Station this morning. Several were screaming knife-based threats and one was trying to find a glass bottle to hit somebody with. Kids, eh?
2. A big traffic jam at Parliament Square because Whitehall was closed. I climbed off my bike in a huff, saying under my breath: “what the f*ck have they shut the bloody roa… Oh.”
3. An even greater volume of sanctimonious, ill thought-out old claptrap on the BBC’s ‘have your say’ section than usual.
4. A press release for a new WWII first person shoot-em-up computer game that contained the following paragraph:

The fate of the Pacific hangs in the balance. The Empire of Japan has carried out a surprise offensive on Pearl Harbor [sic] and much of the US fleet deployed in the area has been destroyed. While the US forces have successfully repelled ensuing attacks from the Japanese fleet and secured a critical victory at the Battle of Midway, the outcome of the war is far from certain. Only determination and skills will lead to ultimate victory. Relive some of the grandest and most critical naval battles of recent history and for the first time, choose to lead your fleet to a completely different ending to the war. With both strategy and action at your command truly anticipate your opponent’s every move and turn the tide of war.

Now is it me, or is this some poor timing? Regardless of whether you think that war is over glamorised by the pomp and circumstance of an occasion like Remembrance Day – or whether you’re one of those who jumps to their feet in salute whenever they hear the national anthem – you’ll probably agree that wars cost lots of lives and lots of dead people is not really a good thing. Unless they’re all reality TV contestants.

So to send out a press release today for a game that enables people to re-enact actual, historical scenes of mass death, in what it is presumably an impressively realistic rendering, seems just a touch insensitive.

Don’t get me wrong, I like computer games – although I favour the more futuristic alien ones, largely because imaginary weapons are a lot more fun than 60 yr-old real ones. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the game per se. I just think it’s a bit stupid to send out the paragraph above because some people, like me, will actually have read it during the two minutes’ silence.

I just really hope it was accidental, and not a deliberate attempt to cash in on some form of aggressive national fervour that is thought to arise every Remembrance Day at the sight of lots of old men struggling down Whitehall who, on any other day of the year – and minus their medals, probably wouldn’t be given a seat on the tube by any commuter in London.

Give it the finger

Sometimes I feel a twang of pity for the poor PR who has the unenviable job of promoting the unpromotable. It passes quickly though, because I know they must have pitched for and won that business with the promise of targeted, innovative, marketing.

Sometimes though, when a product or service that is patently terrible comes along, maybe the PR would have been better off not pitching for that business, because the associative reputational hit that the PR takes will be a lot more damaging than the financial reward.

I know there’s an economic downturn at the moment, I know we all have to put food on the table, but really, sometimes PRs would benefit from being a bit more picky when it comes to client selection.

Take, for example, this recent pitch – the Etre Touchy glove.

Picture the scene:

Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne, looking smug and self-satisfied in equal measure, are sitting down in a gloomy loft space. Next to them Theo Paphitis grins manically at a small pile of bank notes to his right, Deborah Meaden sucks on a lemon in order to induce her Look Of Scorn™, while James Caan strokes his beard looking every inch the archetypal Bond villain.

A budding entrepreneur bounds up the spiral staircase.

“Good afternoon Dragons,” he says, “are you constantly frustrated that normal pairs of gloves keep your hands warm and dry, yet they aren’t compatible with modern touch-screen devices, which only respond to skin-on-screen contact?”

The Dragons look on, their early interest already morphing into bewilderment. “Do you find yourself cursing the good Lord above because their bulkiness and general lack of sensitivity also leads to “fat-fingering” misery when using the tiny keypads of other mobile devices?” our entrepreneur soldiers on.

“I’m out,” barks Bannatyne. “Me too,” shouts Paphitis.

Undaunted, the entrepreneur takes out his ‘invention’ and proceeds to place it on his hand. It’s a woolly glove, with the tip of the index finger and thumb missing. “Dragons, I give you the Etre Touchy gloves. They’re a stylish, fun and practical way to keep your hands warm and dry while using mobile phones, portable games systems, music players and other electronic devices,” he says, making no attempt whatsoever to hide the fact that he’s reading directly from a press release.

“Tell me,” starts Meadon, “do you own the patent?”

“…erm,” sputters the entrepreneur.

“I know a thing or two about technology,” says Jones interrupting the entrepreneur, “and I have to say, I’ve never seen anything quite like the Etre Touchy. I’m out.”

“Me too,” shouts Meadon.

Caan, smiling, asks: “Did you ever work as a market trader?”

“Well, like all great ideas, Etre Touchy gloves began life as a sketch on the back of a napkin over a cup of coffee…” starts the entrepreneur, visibly questioning the veracity of that last statement, he frowns and says: “They’re only £14.99. Come on, they’d make an hilariously ironic Christmas gift for that irritating gadget freak uncle of yours who owns an iPhone.”

“OK,” says Caan, “you’ve got yourself a deal.

In-house comms monkey in tale of woe shocker II – the agency strikes back

Like all sequels this story contains elements of last outing.

I’m the hero, obviously…

The cast of villains is different, however, their actions – while not exactly the same as those that went before – are hauntingly familiar.

Over one month ago I met with a company that appeared to be doing something a bit different, interesting even. At the close of the meeting, I suggested that we had an opening for a contributed article.

This should be music to the ears of any right thinking PR man. It’s free publicity, where you get to write about your favourite subject.

Indeed, the PR man seemed pretty enthusiastic about the offer.

I think I left it a week and then emailed and informed them that I was serious, they really could submit something, but I’d need it by the end of the month.

They were still happy and, having been told the word count, said that they’d be handing the job over to their PR agency.

About a week before deadline, I emailed the agency to see how things were coming along. They asked for more time. Fortunately, I’d built in some slack. The original deadline had been the last Friday of the month, I gave the agency the weekend, plus a day. So Tuesday…..now well over one month after the first meeting and offer of contrib..

>> Hi Finisher: We will definitely have the article to you by Nov. 4th.
>>
>> Thanks again.
>>

Was the response of the agency. A day or two later, the PR emailed again if they could possibly reduce the word count from 1500 to 1000.

….er…so let me get this straight, you’ve had the best part of a month to write 1500 words about your client, and now a few days before the deadline you’re telling me that you can only realistically write 1000 words.

F*ck me, I could write the extra 500 words for them during my lunch hour if they bunged me a tenner. I didn’t say this of course. I said, “well, the word count is 1500 because we need to fill a page, 1000 words won’t fill a page’” – here I compromised – “how about 1250 and maybe you’ve got a nice image or two?” (…the story would genuinely benefit from a nice image or two).

Then….radio and email silence…nothing…..nothing for days…

Hmmm, maybe my insistence upon writing another 250 words over the 500 less than originally agreed word count has stumped him….maybe I was supposed to just say ‘OK send in a thousand words and we’ll whack in a SuDoku to fill the white space….’

On the afternoon of Nov 4th (the new deadline day I’d emailed the agency) – I got this response….

Hi Finisher: The Company’s Director of Marketing (copied on this email) is responsible for sending the final article to you. He understands the deadline is today.

Best regards,

Agency Bad PR

The director of marketing didn’t send me anything.

The morning of the day after deadline day I emailed the director of marketing asking for the feature…

I got nothing….no response…stitched up….now I had a big page to fill….two days after the deadline….

I scrambled around and managed to find something extra to fill the space…the designer laid it out, I proofed it and then signed it off, job done, (over the past week I have coordinated, edited, proofed and signed off 32, 1500 word features from a variety of sources….)

A day after all this, I got an email from the internal marketing guy asking for a further 24 hours to get his piece in…

So, to recap – the original meeting happened 44 days ago. In that time, they’ve been unable to cobble together 1500 words about themselves. That’s 34 words per day guys….

This post comes in at a little over 700 words and it took me about five minutes to write. Surely 44 days is long enough to write a featurette about yourself????

I am now more than slightly sceptical about the prospects of this particular company delivering on their promises of bringing some really high end, expensive and complicated technology projects in on budget or on time.

Poor photos and bad headlines, nuff said

Have a look at that chap over there on the right…He's the CEO of an obscure IT firm, I'm sure he's a lovely bloke, he's probably got his own parking spot at the business park and everything, but it's not a great photo is it?

You'd struggle to find the artistic merit in that photo. Well, you would unless you're a fan of those old-skool school photos, you know the ones? Your gran's mantelpiece is probably furnished with one of you wearing an over-sized blazer, grinning away underneath an unfortunate thatch of 1970s haircut.

Now, have a look at this headline:

Technobogey’s Producto2™ Double-Chip XYZ Solution Achieves Industry-first Milestone with WhyBother ABC Certification

I won't bother reproducing the full PR, there's no need. The headline really does say it all.

Would you run the story?

Probably not.

Assuming you were really desperate for news in briefs though and had to run the story, would you run that photo next to it?

No, neither would I.

In-house comms monkey in tale of woe shocker!

A while back I got a half decent pitch. A high profile speaker at a conference that my firm was organising was willing to put his name to a contributed article.
Now, for all the usual reasons we don’t usually take contributed articles. This one though would be different. The writer, as I said, would be quite senior (I know, I know. He wouldn’t really be writing it, but he’d be putting his name to it, and the readers don’t really care or know that the author would more than likely be some PR flunky or jobbing journo). Not only would the ‘writer’ be fairly senior, but his company is rather large in the industry I cover….and, what’s more, it’d be totally exclusive.

I supplied the PR with some thoughts on an angle, I gave him a nice comfy deadline (about a month) and I said the word count should be 1,500.

Naturally, I’d built some slack into the deadline, so when I go this missive three days after the date it didn’t matter too much – or so I thought:

Hi Finisher,
Please find attached the article. Sorry for being late, but we needed a little more time for validation.
Can you please check if the whole text seems correct for the publication, and then send the modified version back to us for validation?
Thank you
BPR

The fact that the email didn’t have an attachment should have started the old alarm bells a-ringin’. Sadly, I ignored my better judgement and decided to engage...

Leaving it a minute or two, I then emailed the PR to tell him of his schoolboy error. He apologised and then sent through another email with an attachment that contained a one page doc of about 330 words in length.

I read through the four paragraph-long note and deduced that while the PR had at least managed to attach a doc this time, it was clearly the wrong one.

The information before my eyes would not pass for an article in a primary school newsletter. It was a poorly written note describing what the executive would be talking about at a forthcoming conference. I was expecting a 1500 article ‘written’ by a very senior executive at one the world’s most widely recognised brands.

I sent an email that said:

Hi BRP
Thanks for this. I should be able to use it as part of a news story.
I take it you’re not going to submit a full length feature?
Finisher

Imagine my surprise, then, when I got this in return:

Hi Finisher,
The article is more than 1500 words long, do you still have space for some more text?
BPR

I opened the attachment again, was I wrong? Maybe the guy was trying to hypnotise me with barefaced lies. Perhaps my Word’s word count tool was on the blink. But no, 330 words worth of presentation notes sat before me on a single side of A4.

“I think you must have attached the wrong doc.” I said “The one that you sent me is 330 words!”

After a moment or two I got this:

Sorry Finisher i ment 1500 signs, my mistake...
1500 words, as you said in your previous mail, looks like a big article, what else could we talk about? (i hope that we aren' too close to the deadline to discuss about it)
BRP

I decided to throw this chap a bone. He was well past the original deadline, but clearly he had special needs.

Yes, I’m afraid I wanted 1500 words, not 1500 characters!
If you still wanted to write a longer piece, maybe you could talk about your …here I described something relevant to his company that would be extremely easy to write about …. You’ll have to move quickly, the deadline for the feature is the end of this week at the latest.

I admit, I should have dropped this as a lost cause much earlier, but I soldiered. I even attached the full transcript of an interview that I’d carried out with his firm’s CEO a week earlier, suggesting that maybe he could use it for ‘inspiration’.… the following day I got this:

Hi Finisher,

We finally decided to send the [original] article, plus a concise presentation of [the company I work for] (attached file).
Your suggestion is still too recent to deal with it, although it is an interesting article idea.

PS: Can you please find an attractive title to the article? And then send the final edit back to us, before publication?

Many thanks

BPR

The attached file containing a “concise presentation” of his firm was, in fact, a press release boilerplate pasted into Word.

I was gobsmacked. He seriously thought that adding his firm’s boilerplate info to the 330 words of notes already sent late would make for a compelling article. Not only that, he wanted me to think of an “attractive” headline AND, get this, send it back so they could check it.

Jeeeeeeeee-zuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It's party time

The clocks have fallen back, the nights are drawing in, the goose is getting fat. It can mean only one thing. The round of Christmas press parties is almost upon us.

For the past few years I haven't really bothered with press parties, the allure of free booze wore off (I know, unbelievable - I remember, as a young whipper snapper, I'd go to every party I could and stay to the bitter end, drinking everything in sight. My then editor said I'd get bored, I said "never". She was right). Still, this year, what with the credit crunch n'all I might get myself along to a few.

One agency is having its pre-Xmas party at some pretentious Soho venue soon. The suggested dress code is "stylish and elegant".

I dunno, maybe tech press parties have changed a bit during my years out in the cold. Perhaps tech hacks no longer turn up wearing old jumpers carrying free satchels from conferences. Maybe they don't stuff their faces with canapes and get drunk guzzling down as much bottled lager as they can before making what can only be described as hopelessly ill-judged passes at girls that are only talking to them because they have to.

I'm going to have to carry out a full review of my wardrobe if I want to be stylish and elegant at this year's yuletide bashes.

Better get myself off to Primark for a new jumper.

....er, know your market

Research is important right?

I'm not going to go off on one here about the importance of doing research. Principally, because the importance of carrying out research is so blindingly obvious that I cannot even be arsed to explain why.

There exists, in the world of communications, the abbreviation FMC. It stands for fixed mobile convergence. I'm not going to explain what it means or what the issues are, because what follows is so laughably under-researched, there is no need.

-----Original Message-----
From: bad.pr@noresearch.pr
Sent: 24 October 2008 15:25
To: the, Finisher
Subject: Find your own expert with FMC

Find your own expert with FMC

Farming Media Centre, launched this week by the Guild of Agricultural Journalists, enables journalists, editors and PR agencies to 'pick the brains' of the experts, improving understanding and reliability when agriculture and food issues are making headlines.

Its ultimate objective is to promote, defend and ensure accuracy in reporting views, opinions and facts on agricultural topics, by making experts and their knowledge easily available to anyone in the media.

There then followed a lengthy email about the importance of the Farming Media Centre.

What did this PR do? Did she type FMC into Google and decide that sending this press release to a telecoms journalist was a good idea because 'hey, FMC is relevant to telecoms'.

What exactly was the thought process?

Was there a thought process?

Just send the f*cking press release

Calling to tell a journalist you'll be sending them a press release is only ever irritating. Yet it's common, it's all too common, and it's totally f*cking pointless. It does not mean that when the journo sees the press release that they're more likely to notice it among the millions of others, it means they know they don't even have to look at it in the preview window.

As I type these words, minutes after putting the phone down, the time is 11:34. Apparently, an obscure IT company is going to be issuing a press release at 1pm folks. Yep, 1pm the news will break!!!!

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.

That's right, in about an hour and a half an obscure IT firm will release a press release unto the world at large......

The call I took was offering me a peak into the future. Jeesh, wow, no need for a crystal ball either. The PR was offering me 90 minutes of advance warning.

I work on a magazine. I know the printers and distributors can manage a quick turnaround when pushed, but to be totally honest, there's not much chance that I'd get the 'news' out into the world before 1pm today, so this particular generous offer wasn't especially exciting.

Identity issues

I’ve ranted about this before, and it’s bound to happen again, so it won't be the last time. Still, better out than in.

I have a very simple name to spell. It’s not an uncommon name, but there are a couple of ways of spelling it.

One PR I know regularly uses an alternative version of the spelling. To be honest, I don’t really give a toss. In fact, now I think it’s quite funny when she uses the alternative spelling. I always sign off using the spelling my parents chose all those years ago, and she always greets me the other spelling. I think she’s probably got a friend or relative that uses the alternative spelling, because she always uses it, even though my email address and autosignature kind of gives the name game away. Thing is, she’s actually really rather helpful. So all her Good PR outweighs this one piece of Bad PR.

This morning though, I got a message from a PR, and he’d used a completely wrong name. I’ve had this before with mail merges gone bad, but this was different. This guy has written to me three times with three different wrong names.

Making matters worse, I actually initiated the email chat, using my real name, so he’s seen and responded to three emails from me, each with the real name in the sender box and each with my real name at the bottom, and on each occasion he’s used completely the wrong name in response. Not only that, the wrong names don’t even match each other!

Once, twice, three times a moron.

Pleading poverty

It's Blog Action Day today, it happens every year (apparently) bloggers are encouraged to write about a given subject, this year it's poverty.

With that in mind, here we go, poverty and Bad PR.

The global financial meltdown is dominating the majority of the UK's media channels, yet most of the people worrying about rising inflation, soaring unemployment and falling house prices know nothing about poverty. Real, actual, poverty.

I look around me day to day and see no real evidence of depression. Well, not economic depression anyway. Like most people in this country I'm incredibly lucky. Lucky to be living in one of the wealthiest places on earth. Where, given a small amount of effort, poverty can be overcome. Poverty, for me and the vast majority of people in Britain, simply isn't an issue.

That said, when I got an email inviting me to a Halloween press party earlier, I nearly spat out my ethically sourced, fair trade tea.

The agency hosting the party are charging journalists £10 to attend.

Poor impoverished journalists are being asked to pay for beer, pizza and a celebrity quiz master. Does Gordon Brown know about this?

It's all going to a good cause apparently - but even so, ten quid to go to a press party!!!! Don't they know there's a bleedin' credit crunch happening?

Charity begins at home so the saying goes, which is exactly where I'll be when that party happens.

bah humbug

From Bad PR to Worse PR

A classic Bad PR tactic, and one already documented on this site, is to ring up journo and check whether he/she has received the press release sent a couple of weeks ago or whenever it was. It’s wrong and pointless. No need to explain further.

Yet I’ve just had a call from a hapless PR that ‘develops’ this classic bad move into something even more horrendous, more inept.

Here’s a rough transcript of the call, from memory:

Bad PR (older, authoritative voice): Sorry to disturb you, but have you received an invitation from Bad PR regarding the XYZ* event in London?

Me (lying): I don’t recall it.

Bad PR: It was sent last week. It’s called the XYZ event and we wondered whether you would like to come.

Me: Can you tell me what it’s about and I’ll see if it’s relevant to what I’m doing?

Bad PR (Flustered): Er, I don’t know. It’s in the email. Didn’t you get it? Let me see…

Me (interrupting, out of sympathy): It’s just that I work in a very specific part of the industry and…

Bad PR (interrupting, out of relief): Ah here it is. (Sound of rattling paper, then continues in an undisguised reading voice). The XYZ event is about the development of next generation of networks and how companies can take advantage of state-of-the-art developments in this field. There will be senior executives…

Bad PR continued to rattle on, the reading becoming even faster and by doing so rendering the words even more meaningless (if that were possible).

She would have continued for a good few minutes, I’m sure, had I not interrupted with a weary “OK” to call a halt to the monologue. The Bad PR then gave a little giggle (all semblance of authority now lost) and a phew-like “Did you get all that, then?”

I told Bad PR I wouldn’t be attending, briefly saying it wasn't relevant. I thought that would be the end of it, with Bad PR only too willing to hang up after such a disastrous call.

But you can’t keep a good Bad PR down. “Do you know of any other colleagues who you could nominate to attend in your place?” Bad PR asked, the tone of a ‘well-seasoned PR campaigner’ returning to her voice.

You couldn’t make it up.


*The only thing made up

The holiday romance

I went on a three-night junket recently. Top stuff; great venue, once-in-a-lifetime activities, good food, minimal work. Straight out of the old school, it was. It was like a short holiday, with an even shorter briefing attached. And the briefing was interesting.

You can imagine, then, that I was in a pretty good mood throughout. This good mood brought with it a relaxed open-mindedness and I struck up a conversational friendship with one of the host PRs. It turns out we had many similar tastes. We liked the same music, the same sports, we shared a fondness for the same writers. The cultural references flowed in volume like the wine and the laughter. Perhaps something might have happened, were it not for the fact that we both have girlfriends and, at six foot three, he was too tall for me.

But here’s the thing: When we got to the airport – the two of us were on the same flight home – the relationship began to change. Plucked out of the bubble of the press trip, where life was easy, free and luxurious, reality began to kick in. The first sign was just after check-in. As we approached security, I already had my book in mind. At the gates he said:

“Are you going through now?”
“Yes,” I replied, feeling vaguely uncomfortable at the thought of 90 minutes of small talk as we waited to board.
“I think I’m just going to get something to eat here before I go through,” he said.

I felt a curious contradiction germinate inside me. On the one hand I was pleased to be able to spend some time on my own. The lucky escape, right? On the other, clearly so was he! What’s wrong with spending time with me? Suit yourself, I thought.

On the plane, the enjoyment of a new acquaintance was fading like a week-old tan. We sat in stony silence, occasionally offering one another the bare minimum of conversation that politeness requires. And at the baggage hall back home it was time for goodbye.

His bag came out first. He waited, shifting his weight from foot to foot, clearly anxious to leave. “God, just go, will you?” I was thinking to myself. “You don’t need to stick around. I don’t want anything more from this, I’d rather just leave it as a pleasant memory.” But he kept waiting, dutifully. In the end I said:

“Look, why don’t you just go. My bag seems to be taking a little while.”
“No, no,” he said. “I can’t do that, I’ll wait.”

A minute passed.

“Erm, I think I might just…” he said.
“No, that’s fine, off you go. I’ll probably be here all day,”
“I’ll email you in the week. Y’know, just to catch up,” he said, shouldering his bag and offering his hand.
“Ok, enjoy the weekend,” I said, relieved and disappointed all at once.

He never emailed me. They never do.

Good PR

There's not been much Bad PR this week. I even seem to have received less spam.

The global financial meltdown has dominated events of course, although there have been some excellent 'and finally' stories - notably the policeman who helped deliver a baby.

My fears regarding the economy have not been borne out, hardly any PRs have so far bothered to jump onto the credit crunch bandwagon. I guess being associated with The End of The World As We Know It is just a jump too far, even if you can put a positive spin on things.

In fact, this week my experience in PR Land has been almost entirely positive.

Even the weather forecast is looking nice for the weekend.

Something is about to go seriously wrong.....

You sunk my battleship

Followers of this blog will know by now that I'm a telco journo. Our readers are the mobile network operators.

That means I want to be sent news, analysis, research and opinion that mobile network operators will be interested in.

I do not want to be sent a pitch detailing how the US Navy has signed a contract with some semi-conductor firm for the development of next-generation gallium arsenide amplifiers.

Even if, and I want to make this perfectly clear, the 'news' comes complete with a photo of a war ship.

You must be JoeKinn Ear!!!!

Today's sport pages have been filled with tales of Joe Kinnear, newly installed interim manager of Newcastle Football Club and latest owner of the most poisoned chalice in Britain, bar Gary Glitter's new PR man.

Joe let loose with a toxic tirade of obscene abuse at his weekly press conference with national and local journalists. Transcripts show his opening salvo as follows:

JK: Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB: Me.

JK: You're a cunt.

SB: Thank you.

The barbed exchanges continue for a while before the Newcastle press officer feels inclined to utter the immortal line - "What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside".

Kinnear does not seem bothered about what is on or off the record, imploring journalists to "write what you like" and that it "makes no difference to me".

However, as the press conference degenerates further, the press officer steps in again.

Press officer: Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist: But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press Officer: Come on, let's go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How's the training going?

JK: It's going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist: Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK: Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it.

Now this must be a PR's nightmare, when their charge goes off on a foul-mouthed and personally abusive tirade and, given an opportunity to retract his words, even apologise, digs his obscene heels in further. It is enough to make you realise why a PR in that position would insist on quote checks and approval, lest the abuse is made public.

However, this is an exceptional circumstance with a man (Joe Kinnear) clearly under enormous stress and taking this out on the assembled journalists. It is not some unexciting, back-office, operations guy talking guardedly about transaction costs analysis and workflow efficiencies. So don't ask to see the quotes in advance. You were on the call, remember? You were the one making heavy breathing noises and tapping on your keyboard while we were trying to have a conversation. Remember now? And do you remember your client calling me a cunt? No? That's because he didn't. In fact he didn't say much at all.

These incessant quote checking demands have to stop. On occasion I have sent the PR's the whole transcript of the conversation, including the opening pleasantries concerning the weather. But while this is pleasingly irritating for the PRs it also means more work for me. On other occasions I have made stuff up just to see if they are actually checking the quotes but this does my reputation no good at all. And on other occasions I have genuinely forgotten and the quotes have gone in as is. And, believe it or not, the world kept turning, no-one lost their job and no-one got sued for defamation.

Now and again an interviewee will say something genuinely interesting, spontaneous and slightly controversial. The end of the conversation comes and you are praying there will be no quote request. You're getting to the goodbyes, you're almost out of there when it comes...."Can we see the quotes before it goes to press?" Bah. I do what I'm told and back come the quotes with all the life, interest and controversy red-penned to death. Why oh why oh why do I bother?

The lingering smell of Bad PR

This week in the exciting world of cellular comms, news broke that the Finnish mobile handset giant Nokia is planning to turn its back on corporate push mobile email – for anyone reading this who is already dozing off, this post will get around to Bad PR shortly.

I wrote a feature, oooh bloomin’ ages ago now, 2005 in fact, about mobile email. I spoke with some operators, analysts and a number of vendors in the space. However, I didn’t speak with everyone. I simply haven’t got the time, y’see.

So, after the magazine went to press, imagine my surprise when the PR of a mobile email vendor phoned me to angrily complain that I hadn’t spoken to his client.

How could I be so stupid as to not talk to his client? His client was the leading player in the space, did I not research the feature at all? I spoke with some of his client’s rivals, it’s not fair. What was I going to do to make amends? Maybe feature an executive interview with his client in the next issue? Maybe let his client write a piece for inclusion, setting me straight on one or two points?

Maybe?

Or, how about, maybe jotting down the name and number of the PR and his firm and vowing never to pick up the phone when he called or open his emails again?

Yes, yes, maybe I’d do that instead.

For the record, the PR’s client was bought up by Nokia, who this week effectively put the business out to pasture, then announced (almost in the same breath) that it would be buying another consumer mobile email firm… and guess what kids? It’s only one of the mobile email firms that I did interview for the piece.

Now, I’m not claiming my feature had any real impact on the outcome of the PR’s client disappearing off the face of the earth, while a rival’s mobile email product is set to soon appear on the terminals of the number one handset manufacturer in the world.

To be honest, I don’t remember why I spoke with one of the firms and not the other, I guess it was just pot luck. I do, however, remember very clearly the telephone conversation that the PR and I shared. It has a lasting effect calling me up to tell me that I’m not doing my job properly. I’ve got a very understanding boss who tells me that every day thanks.

The real tragedy of the banking crisis

The stricken state of the global banking system has many grave implications but by far the most serious is the sudden deluge of so-called experts who are pimped around indiscrimnately by thoughtless PRs. A typical solicitation would be Dr (aren't they always doctors) x of Acme Software is available for comment on how the banking crisis could have been avoided (as could the hurricanes in the Carribean, earthquakes in China, the assasination of Martin Luther King and the English Civil War) if people had used his document management software.

I've got plenty of those in the last week but the best so far has to be the following (not the bit about 'gap years'):

Goodmorning,
Dr. Peter Slowe has a PhD in Economic Geography from Oxford University and is the former Chairman of the Labour Finance and Industry Group. He is the founder of Projects Abroad, the largest commercial gap year organisation in the UK or the United States.

If you would like comment regarding the banking crisis from Dr Slowe, please get in touch.

Many Thanks
XXXXX XXXXXXXX

Just exactly what kind of insight can I expect from the Doc who is no doubt a learned man with incisive and thought-provoking opinions? I would have thought working in a bank may have helped...

'Bolluk's

This more bad commissioning than bad PR, however we are yet to set up BadCommissioning.com so this will have to do.

Now as a freelancer I'm generally happy to recieve emails offering an opportunity to write - particularly if it's a new magazine, however, this particular request was missing a few vital ingredients.

From: Tembo Caloglu
To: xxxxxxx
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2008 9:25 AM
Subject: Contribution to 'Bolluk'


Hello, XXX,
Greetings, and I hope all is well with you. This is Tembo Caloglu, editor of 'Bolluk'. We were wondering whether you might like to write a small piece for us, some informed thoughts on a matter of moment in Turkey, only two or three pars, would not take you long (longer of course, if you so desired). Or maybe there is something that you never had published, such as poetry or literary criticism. We couldn't pay you for this, and you would not get a by-line (not our policy), but you could write what you liked, within reason. Do let us know,
Best regards,
Tembo Caloglu.

Now then, let's start from the beginning. Who is Tembo Caloglu? And is his magazine really called 'Bolluk'? Why does he think I know anything about Turkish current affairs? And just what kind of a publication would be willing to include my unpublished sixth form poetry?

The best bit though is his positively seductive pay-terms. No money and no by-line but I can write what I want... within reason. I've got a feeling there may be a two word article on its way to Tembo very soon.

No comment

It’s very common practice for agencies to send out comments made by their clients that are relevant to bigger stories. I’m not going to moan about that. It’s normal PR and is attractive to lazy/busy journos who haven’t got the time (or can’t be arsed) to phone around conducting full interviews when all they really want is a quote to pad things out/stand the story up.

There’s a fairly obvious pecking order of what makes decent comment. An independent, respected, industry analyst saying something thought provoking and, if we’re being honest, negative sits at the top. And, can only really be topped if the journo is getting the comment on an exclusive basis. This is rare of course and we know exclusive comment can only really be found by conducting time-consuming interviews, so fair enough.

Somewhere near the bottom of the pecking order is a vendor who has a direct interest in the announcement, saying that they think the announcement is great news. This is common, and pedestrian PR, it’s falls into the poor pitch, no cigar category.

Recently, though, I got an email from a PR offering a bland comment on a big story. Then about ten seconds later I got an email from one of the PR’s colleagues offering exactly the same comment. I chirped up to the Necromancer and he too had the same emails from the same PRs.

They’re clearly sharing a list, probably a big list, which means that countless other tech journos will have received the same two emails. It’s careless really and it stands about as much chance of being picked up and used as a second hand condom.

I know it’s pretty minor league in the Bad PR stakes, but if you are going to send out bland comment that stands little chance of getting published, we only need to see it once.

Or maybe not at all.

Send me a PS3 and we’ll call it quits

The ‘complex’ theory of corporate tat says that if you send me a poloshirt, baseball cap, laser pen, memory stick, calculator, document holder, rucksack, business card holder or indeed any other vaguely useful item that I will use the gift and be reminded of your client’s firm the next time I see their name and then I might write about them.

Chances are though, that as soon as I’m out of your sight (sometime not even then) I will throw it all in the bin. I would give it away to a tramp, but even vagabonds and junkies would rather not wear your branded t-shirts.

Another slightly less popular strategy with the freebie is to go a bit over the top and hope this curries favour. In all honesty it works better than the one outlined above though it carries a few risks, not least the expense.

The corporate gift is dodgy territory. It’s Operation Backhander. We know the score. It’s bribery. In some cultures it is a serious no-no, in others it is positively expected. But some ‘gifts’ aren’t worth the price of the overly expensive branded, never-to-be-used-more-than-once, bags that they come in.

I was once sent a cigarette lighter with a fiver wrapped around it, enclosed in the envelope was a note, the PR had written, “is your money going up in smoke?”

The firm, hilariously enough, was a disaster recovery company that went out of business.

Can’t think why.

The back door

I stopped answering my phone every time it rang a long time ago. I've got a post-it stuck on the phone with a list of numbers on it, which is both a blacklist and a whitelist depending on deadlines, my mood, the position of the moon, etc. And I suspect I'm not the only hack who screens calls like this.

But PRs have obviously cottoned on as they've become ever inventive in their attempts to get through. There's the 'External call' coming through from the PRs corporate exchange (might get picked up); the 'Unknown number' from someone calling the customer service desk and getting transferred (never gets picked up); and then there's the ones where actual numbers show up so I can Caller ID them (always gets picked up), unless its (never gets picked up).

We've seen all the tricks - call from a mobile phone so you get a different number; call from a mobile with 'Private number' switched on; call reception at the office; and call someone on the same team who sits nearby and get transferred.

But there's this other one as well - the back door. Call a random number at the company the journo works for and get them to transfer the call. So if I see an internal call coming through from someone I don't know, I know what's coming: there'll be a flustered colleague on the other end who thinks they've got a really important call for me, which they need to transfer, and if I don't answer they'll feel obliged to take a message.

These people aren't my fucking receptionists, they just happen to work with me. So I feel obliged to answer these calls, inevitably to find that the 'important call' is just some flack pitching a press release.

Annoyingly this tactic was used twice the other day, by the same person. I fielded a back door call and gave the PR in question my email address, only to have her call back ten minutes later using the same trick to check I received the press release (the most pointless and annoying kind of call).

It's a dirty trick. If you can't find a journalist's direct line, or even their email address (hint: it's usually on the website/magazine/newsletter/paper they write for), using all the 21st century tools you have at your disposal, you're not very good at your job and might be better placed selling debt management to people who watch daytime TV all day.

At least then the machines dial the numbers for you.

His name is Earl

We’ve been added to the blogroll of one Steve Earl http://www.rainierpr.co.uk/earl/. He’s the managing director of Rainier PR, a tech PR firm based in London.

He’s got some interesting views this lad. Not least of which is his suggestion that the credit crunch could be a good time to start up a tech PR firm.

“Tech PR seems to be holding its own in this country, but equally several agencies have been laying people off recently. It’s not a time for the faint-hearted, but my guess is that the strong will shine through and we’ll see several hot tech PR start-ups born over the next year that become the next generation of challengers,” he says.

Does that mean the credit crunch is bad for Bad PR?

Not likely, transparent attempts to angle, or rather mangle, tech firms’ products into stories loosely based on the collapse of Lehman Brothers or the troubles at HBOS are as plentiful as they are irrelevant.

I know taking a current affairs story of national/global importance and then working your client in somehow is a common trick, but it is seldom effective. It’s just a waste of everyone’s time.

“The US is failing to win over ‘hearts and minds’ in Iraq. Would you be interested in talking with Dave Smith, VP of product marketing for Dullco Customer Relationship Management firm about his firm’s holistic communications strategy?”

No.

Some firms are doing well, it’s true, but it doesn’t that mean that they’re “bucking the credit crunch trend”. Honestly, your client got another round of funding. Good for them. It’s not a story though.

I look forward to interacting with the hot tech PR start-ups that Steve thinks will be born out of the current financial crisis. Who knows, maybe Bad PR will take on a few clients.

A last minute reprieve

In the nick of time (thanks to a sales enforced extension to the deadline) an article for the supplement was submitted at 5:41 last night..!

This doesn't make for particularly entertaining reading on Bad PR. But in the interests of fair play and because Bad PR came Good in the end, I guess I'd better leave the posts up...

Mended promises?

Following on from yesterday's rant regarding being let down on contrib just one day before deadline. The agency in question has come up with a last gasp attempt to save the day. I just received this:

Hi Fin,

Further to this, the CTO has suggested that he would be able to draft an article for you by Monday. I know you would prefer a different exec and that this is beyond the deadline you told us, but if there was any way you could wait until Monday, the CTO would be able to get this over to you.

Please let me know whether this might be acceptable and apologies again for the difficulties we have had with this.

Kind Regards,

PR

Hmmm, not the right person and well past deadline would usually mean curtains. However, there is another group of people whose existence, while necessary, causes journos even more pain than PRs: Salesmen. When they haven't sold, deadlines get moved. That's just the way it goes. The PR, by a twist of fate, has got more time....

The deadline is Monday, the PR has got the weekend to come up with the goods. Will they make it into the supplement?

Only time will tell......

Broken promises

We’re putting together a supplement for a trade show at the mo. We’ve interviewed the CTO of the organisation behind the trade show and would be including that, but in addition the agency that represents the organisation behind the trade show was given the opportunity of penning a piece for the supplement.

That’s two pages of prime editorial FREE. It is, in PR terms, gold dust.

Two weeks before the supplement copy deadline I was sent an invitation to the show. I replied saying:

Cool thanks – I think The Escapist mentioned a contrib feature. Did your client mention anything?

The PR said:

Don't think she did, but I will check for you. Was there any particular topic/author that you guys had in mind?

I said:

I’m afraid I’m not sure on the details. I could be mistaken. I just thought I’d heard the Escapist talking about getting a contrib feature. I guess the CEO would be preferable. Not sure on topic, the CTO interview is fairly general so maybe digging deeper into the plans for the Organisation. I’d be open to suggestions.

The following Monday I sent this:

Hi PR

Hope all is well. Has there been any movement on a contrib feature for the supplement?

Cheers
Fin

I got this:

Hi Fin,

I have been speaking with the Client and we are looking into possible ideas for a contributed article. We are definitely keen to do this - when would you need the article by? At the moment we are thinking of a feature looking at something very relevant to The Client - does this sound like something that would be interesting? I know that you mentioned something else, but there have been no real developments on this front recently, and we feel the topic may not be relevant to those outside The Client and its partners, so it might be better to get a wider-focused feature instead. We are looking into whether it would be possible to get this by-lined to the CEO, but this may not be possible. The CTO is one of our favourite writers at The Client, but since your original interview was with him, would you prefer the article to come from someone else?

Let me know your thoughts.

Kind Regards,

PR

I said:

Hi PR

We need the piece by the end of this week and about 1600 words. Your suggestions on the topic area look good. I would prefer not to byline the CTO. Purely because the feature interview is of CTO, and it would look better for The Client and us if a different exec is bylined.

How does that sound?

Cheers
Fin

She said:

Hi Fin,

That sounds great. We will find somebody other than the CTO to write the article for you and get it to you by the end of the week. I will let you know if there are any problems.

Kind Regards,

PR


A day later I was sent this:

Hi Fin,

On the article for the show supplement, The Client are keen to get their VP Developer Product Marketing, to write the article. However, he would only be able to do this by next Friday (26th), rather than the end of this week, as you requested. Would this be alright? Let me know if not, and we can find someone else to write it to get it to you this week.

Kind Regards,

PR

I said:

Hi PR

I’m afraid the deadline is very definitely the end of this week. We can’t shift it, sorry about that
Cheers
Fin

A day later, one day before deadline, I got this:

Hi Fin,

We're so sorry to do this at such short notice, but unfortunately, we are not going to be able to provide the article by the end of tomorrow. We have been searching high and low for an exec who would be able to get this done, but in this time-frame we are just not able to get it turned around. Please let us know if there is any other way we might be able to help you to fill this space, as we are aware this is leaving you short-handed. Me and A Colleague are out of the office this afternoon, but I have included our mobile numbers below in case you want to speak to us about this.

Apologies again for the short notice, we have tried our utmost to find someone to write this, but it just isn't possible.

Kind Regards,

PR

Let me run that by you again….

“..but in this time-frame we are just not able to get it turned around”

They’ve had two effin’ weeks to pen a 1600 word article. How much time-frame does it take?

More spinpox spotted

This isn’t really Bad PR, it’s really Bad Journalism.

The BBC reported today that the RAC Foundation has discovered that reading and sending text messages while driving is dangerous.

Whatever next?

Riding a bicycle with your eyes closed is hazardous.

Flying a kite in a thunderstorm is crazy.

Fighting a polar bear in Speedos is suicidal.

Copying press releases is lazy.

The numbers up

I’ve long suspected that I suffer from some sort of number-based dyslexia. I was crap at maths at school. Forever getting dumped into the bottom class and forever fluffing exams.

It wasn’t as though I didn’t try. Despite almost always failing maths exams first time around, I ended up passing everything I needed in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I never passed with flying colours, but I did enough to prove to friends, my parents, teachers and university entrance boards that I wasn’t a complete mathematical halfwit.

My slow and uncomfortable slide up the UK’s slippery poll of academia culminated with my getting a BEng (Hons) from Nottingham University. Me, an engineer, go figure. Maybe I’m not actually completely crap at maths after all.

All that was a long time ago though, and I’m still pretty sure that I’ve got some sort of number dyslexia.

Numbers tend to bamboozle me. When I listen to someone calling out a number, usually a telephone number, I often write it down incorrectly. I routinely punch in wrong telephone numbers from business cards or websites. When I copy numbers, I get the order mixed up. The mobile phone address book saved my social life.

Maybe I’m in a minority. That said, there is one crime that tends to crop up in the world of voice mails that I’m pretty sure other people find annoying. Even people good with numbers.

I listen to all of my voice mails (and I get plenty), even if I don’t respond to every single one. But here’s a tip that will increase your chances of getting me to call back. Tell me your name at the beginning, then tell me your number. Remember that those are the two most valuable pieces of information in the voice mail. You might even like to tell me your number again at the end of the voice mail just to make sure I got it.

Do not, under any circumstances, leave a long, rambling, message and then rattle off your telephone number like a livestock auctioneer on speed.

Actually, don’t leave long, rambling, messages.

Just leave your name and number at the beginning, then a few pertinent details, then your number again.

I know that you know how to say your telephone number quickly, and I also know that saying it quickly, particularly at the end of a long ramble, is very annoying.

If I have to listen to a message twice or more to get your number, I don’t need to hear all the info again, so if you’re a compulsive speed talker just say your number twice after the beginning of the voice mail.

Dear sir or madman

I received a missive this morning. It was addressed to ‘Dear telecommunications specialist’. I couldn’t work out whether it was obsequiousness, sarcasm or idleness. I guess it is better than Dear Sir since it appeals to my vanity and Dear Escapist, since I’m the Finisher. Both of which alternative email faux pas happen on an all too regular basis

Although, at least Dear Escapist demonstrates that the PR took the time to type in the name (albeit the wrong one) whereas Dear Sir, as with Dear telecommunications specialist, simply demonstrates that the PR can’t be arsed with mail merge.

There is a big part of me that hopes it was sarcasm. Although, I’ve met the bloke who sent the email and he’s a nice chap, old school PR, so sadly I’m guessing it falls into the lazily obsequious camp.

Can you imagine a camp worth avoiding more?

“…s’cuse me sire, I ‘ave ‘ere an ‘umble press release for your delectation. I’m not worthy I know, but if you could see yourself into passing your mighty gaze upon it, I would be most, most grateful. Or at least, I would if only I could be arsed.”

I have a relatively common name. There are, however, a couple of different ways of spelling it. So it kind of bugs me a bit when a PR had used the right email address, then written Dear Phinisha at the top.

It bugs me all the more when the PR follows up the misspelling with some over-familiarity. My mates know how to spell my name, if you can’t spell my name don’t bother asking how my tricks are. I know you don’t care.

If I don’t know you, I don’t care what you did at the weekend and I know that you don’t care what I did at the weekend. You have something that you want me to write about and I mistrust you instinctively. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

And, since I’m scoffin’ on a whinge roll here, using the old friends of friends line doesn’t work either. I couldn’t give a toss if you’re a colleague of someone I once met so don’t bother mentioning them unless they’re actual friends or family.

Who would have thought that addressing emails would be prove so troublesome? Well, not me as it goes, because addressing emails isn’t troublesome. It is easy. E.A.S.Y. There, I’ve even spelt it out for you.

Bond, Tim Bond

Ah, Mr Bond. It would be a lie to say that I’ve been expecting you. I still consider myself to be a novice when it comes to blogging. So I was amazed to see Bad PR has a follower. His picture is over there on the right of the screen, just underneath the Good PR Venn diagram.

Just the one mind, but it’s quality over quantity. Remember, Jesus started with just the one follower and look what happened to him. He died over 2000 years ago and book sales are still good. Not that I wish to compare Bad PR with Christ.

Tim has demonstrated wise PR. I will try not to wobble over into the sentimentality pit. But by massaging the grumpy tech hack’s fragile ego, he’s already got a foot in the door.

This runs counter to a particularly foolhardy trait exhibited by some less smart PR types. The pitch delivered with a plea when the PR opens with something like: “I don’t suppose you’d be interested in this story…” Or “I doubt this is really up your street, but…” Is Bad PR pure and simple.

We do understand how difficult it is. It’s not easy to feign enthusiasm. And only weird people get enthusiastic about the stuff you see in most tech press releases. Thankfully, they form companies that make stuff and hire PR firms because they know that they’re just too freaky and unsettling to promote their own products.

But the apologetic opener – which is surprisingly common – isn’t even making the effort. It’s like trying to seduce someone by going for sympathy. You should never try and stimulate a journalist’s pity. As most people know, the only kind of pity journalists understand is self-pity.

Smile please, you’re on Photoshop

I happened to be writing a piece about green technology when a PR got in touch. Her client, it seems, had a new solar panel powered piece of kit that it wanted to promote. “That’s perfect,” I said, so far, so Good PR, “send in some blurb and if you’ve got a picture, all the better”.

The blurb was sent in, it was standard fare and would make a nice little news in brief for the product round-up section. There was no photo. Not to worry, it wasn’t a deal breaker.

In the run up to deadline the PR emailed me to let me know that there would be a photo of the product, “thanks for letting me know,” I said, “I’ll make sure we leave space.”

The day before deadline there was still no photo. I emailed the PR: “Any news on the photo?” I asked. “Yes, they’re working on it.” I was told.

The following day I received an email from the PR with an attachment that purported to show a villager erecting the product. The PR noted that she wasn’t entirely sure what the person with the bucket to the right of the pic was doing.

I opened the jpeg and saw what on first glance appeared to be exactly what she had described. However, on second glance I noticed that he picture was obviously an implausible Photoshop mash up. The piece of kit added looked like something from Pete’s Dragon, the ‘villager’ supposedly erecting the kit was actually someone filling up a container by a hand pump, while the mysterious bucket to the right was clearly someone else waiting to use the hand pump.

I told the PR that I had some reservations about the validity of the image. She said: “Serves me right for not looking at that photo close enough. I was just so relieved to have got it. I’m going back to see why they photoshopped it. And ask while they were at it why they didn’t get rid of the bucket!”

Amateurish is not the word.

Spinpox*

This positing is inspired by the PR antics of a firm that has a product which I quite like. Although, I would add that the product is almost totally pointless and I probably – well, definitely - wouldn’t pay for it.

The firm has been around a fair while now, making slow gains here and there, punting the aforementioned product and it has yet to make any real dent into consumer consciousness.

Not much has changed in terms of functionality since launch. The product, which is a mobile phone service, remains fairly quirky and of niche interest. The firm would love for one or all of the major carriers to realise what they’ve been missing out on and promote this product to their subscriber base.

This scenario is a trifle unlikely since the service competes with a service the carriers already provide. Besides which, if the carriers liked the idea they would have nicked it by now and done it themselves. Indeed, I’ve noticed that a number of rival consumer offerings have popped up during the last year. None of these will be particularly successful either.

Still, that’s not Bad PR, it’s just bad business.

The Bad PR element that bugs me is the firm’s insistence upon carrying out research that, guess what? Well, yep, it claims, finds, bears out, corroborates, affirms, announces, authenticates, validates, substantiates and confirms that consumers really, really, really like the product and that it’s dead useful and popular, honest.

The firm is not alone in this deadly PR disease that I’ve dubbed spinpox*. In fact, let’s face it, pretty much any piece of ‘research’ is funded by a firm that has a vested interest in the results of the research backing up their business.

I could go out onto Oxford Street today with a carefully phrased set of questions that ‘prove’ that the majority of UK consumers would be interested in cycling to Iraq for their summer holidays.

You can ‘prove’ just about anything with funded research.

*Any resemblance to an actual organisation’s name is purely coincidental.

Spamazing

This has nothing to do with PR, good or bad, but it is possibly the funniest spam I have ever received. Once you've read the whole thing, the opening line - let's be realists - really comes into its own. I must check the site out when I get a moment; I don't want to count my chickens, but I reckon I could be in.


Aloha, dear!

Let's be realists, I understand that you receive letters from many beautiful women, of course if this would be a matter of my will I would block your mailbox and you would receive only my
letters and you wouldn't have other choice as to get married with me)))) of course I am just kidding, but we all know that there is a part of truth in any joke.

So, I think that if I would choose you I would try to do my best not to please you, but to show you that next to me you will be completely happy and won't need to search any more. I know how to make surprises and holidays, I always remember all the important events and dates. I cook well. I would like my man to bring food at home and to give the biggest part to his beloved girl))) I want him to respect his baby, to be proud of her, and to be jealous of her (maybe a little bit))). He will know how to make a dinner in the restaurant; will take his girl to the disco club,
where he will dance a bit worse then she, but much better then other men))).

He takes care about the most difficult things (like making breakfast in the morning or opening the window at night when it's hot in the room))) if it's really necessary. If this is just another caprice of his sweetie he will put her in her place))) he comes from work tired, but not angry, and his sweetie ask him to eat because she was cooking the whole day her new dish and was waiting for him to come and taste her new masterpiece))) and of course he likes this dish, even if it's terrible)))

He plays cards and listens to the articles from the journals and newspapers his baby suggest to read together))) we both discuss plans for the next vacation, when I dream how I will make him a feet massage in a hot bath in the middle of the hotel under the stars.

And I, I love him endlessly, I dream about his arms, I dream a lot and finally I understand that I don't need to dream because all my dreams already came true, right the day I met him, the
one who looked at me and told me "You will be mine" and I melted and gave up)))

So, what do you think, is it possible to have such life? Is this your dream also? I think you should share your opinion with me because I know what you have on your mind and I want you to understand that nobody but me knows better how to make you happy))) http://finebeautifulwomen.net/6184/


Looking forward to hear from you soon
Ulian

Great expectations

I just got this email from a PR I’ve never heard of, working for a firm I’ve never heard of, promoting a client I’ve never heard of:

Dear All,

It's my pleasure to send you the Press Release of XXXX Group and XXXX (Please see the attachment).

We would appreciate if you publish it everywhere you can and if possible, please let me know the place of the published article!

Thank you very much for your kindly help in advance!

Best regards,


A Very Bad PR
Marketing & Sales Coordinator
..........................................................
XXXXX.
Somewhere in Hungary
Tel.: +XXXXXXXXXX
Direct: +XXXXXXXXXX
Fax: +36-1-206 5142

Jeesh, not only can’t she be bothered to use a decent mail merge program, but she also expects me to open the attachment with no other teaser information.

I’m glad she lets me know that she’d appreciate it if I could publish it “everywhere” I can. However, she also wants me to let her know where it’s gone live too…

Perhaps she’d like me to call up her client and tell them what a great job they’re doing or maybe nip over to their offices in Hungary and pop the kettle on.

Neither of her last two sentences requires an exclamation mark! And why the feck has she capitalised Press Release?

SUSE AND THE CITY: Call Waiting

SUSE AND THE CITY: Call Waiting

We're being watched!

Some sound advice from Suse.

Bullshit BIngo #5 - Cover Off

I’d forgotten about this one because, mercifully, people don’t seem to use it any more. But I just got it again, in an email. I first heard it six or seven years ago and it stopped me in my tracks like a terrible smell. It just sounds wrong. How can you cover something off? It doesn’t make sense.

It’s a pointless addition. “Is there anything you’d like to cover off on the call?” someone says. Why not just say: “Is there anything you’d like to cover on the call?” The second option has the twin benefits of greater economy and actual meaning.

I don’t know where these stupid things come from. But I suspect that some people sit around for ages thinking them up deliberately, like Oscar Wilde used to do. Except that Oscar Wilde was a master of wit and these people are just trying to make themselves look slicker or more intelligent by squeezing out meaningless drivel like ‘cover off’.

They’re probably the kind of people that employ the ‘self’ suffix all the time because they think it makes them sound more professional.

“And will it just be yourself attending, sir?”
“Just address it to myself, if you would.”
“Excellent, myself will see yourself at 2pm, then. I may invite a couple of other selves to the meeting so we can get a broader perspective.”

Cretins.

So, please bear this in mind: You can tick off, mark off, set off, let off, run off, sound off and round off. You can skive off, drive off, kick off, tip off, rip off, sack off and jack off. You can spin off, slink off, hand off, stand off, get off, fend off and send off. Most importantly, you can just fuck off.

But you CANNOT cover off.

You just can’t.

I’m your a charity case, so buy me something to eat

Charity, as we all know, begins at home. We all give in our own ways, some of us more than others. But we all know, in our heart of hearts, that we could probably give a bit more. This explains why I sometimes walk a different route through town to avoid well-known charity mugger hotspots. I suspect I am not alone in these guilt avoidance tactics. I strongly suspect that there are people out there who this very lunchtime hurriedly walked past a pretty girl wearing a green tabard standing on a high street who was just wondering if you had a few minutes to talk about poverty.

Don’t feel bad if you did. There’s a metro supermarket next to our offices. The supermarket chain in question has taken the dubious/laudable decision of allowing charity spare change collectors into the shop, not only that but they stand at the end of the checkouts between the customers and the exit. Today I went to a different sandwich shop rather than have to feel guilty about the starving millions moments after buying an overpriced ham sandwich and a BIGEAT bag of Monster Munch.

I’m digressing a touch here, but only in order to demonstrate the lengths I’ll go to in order to avoid something I feel genuinely guilty about. I’m doing this to help explain why I feel no guilt whatsoever in telling PRs that I have no interest in their boring obscure clients, even if they’ve just offered to take me for a few pints and spot of grub.

One PR firm has been badgering me to meet up “for a few informal beers” for some time. It’s not that I’ve been avoiding or ignoring their emailed invitations, it’s just that the allure of free drinks actually wore off sometime ago. Today, however, I displayed a moment of weakness. I was sent a reminder invite email and I was feeling generous, maybe I would swap some of my free time for some of their free booze after all:

Hi the Finisher,

If you remember I mentioned last month about inviting you for drinks or a bite to eat with the PR team – are you free sometime in September for us to set this up?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,
Annabel B Peeyah

I said:

Hi A BPR

Yep, sorry, I meant to get back to you. The Escapist and I have checked our diaries, and September Xth is free.

Hope you can do that date

Cheers
The Finisher

Moments later - and we are talking seconds here, rather than minutes - I received another email from Annabel that conjured up images of the supermarket dwelling charity worker:

Thanks for getting back to me The Finisher

Yes that date sounds great to us! Would you be keen to go for a drink near us (in Soho) or is there anywhere in particular a bit closer to you that you would prefer?

Also, would you be interested in having an introductory briefing with the CEO and founder of OBSCUROmobile, the managed service provider. Its UnHeardof Technology Platform underpins many core operator services including:
- Mobile advertising/marketing – including competitions, polls and auctions
- Content management – including acquisition, device management and digital rights management
- User generated content – for example the sharing of mobile MMS photo messages and videos
- Instant messaging ‘on the move’
- Mobile ‘blogging’
- Caller ring back tones – where a caller hears a subscriber’s choice of musical greeting instead of a dialling tone when calling a number

The CEO would be keen to talk to you about a variety of topics of interest for your readers including mobile messaging, mobile advertising and user generated content – would this be something of interest?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,
A BPR

I don’t know whether this is genuinely Bad PR or just plain clumsy PR. She’d have been better placed waiting until or even after the drinks. Now I’m not really sure I want to go along and put a face to the name, she might well be wearing a green tabard and shaking a bucket of spare change at me.

I shall say this only once

When I go on holiday or travel to a conference in a far away land I always leave a voice mail message directing callers elsewhere. I never, ever, suggest leaving a message.

I do this for two reasons. First, because I’m away and if someone wants to get information into the publication they’d be better placed pitching to someone else. Second (and more importantly) because the first time I ever left a voice mail message when I left the office for an extended period I foolishly suggested that I would get back to the caller(s) upon my return, then when arrived back from holiday I had to spend all day calling people up.

Why then, when I return from trips away, do I always return to the office and come face to face with the blinking red light on my phone that signifies that I have voice mail messages? I shouldn’t have voice mails. I never, ever, suggest that I will return the calls. I always redirect people to a colleague I know will be around.

Adding insult to injury almost all of the messages that I have to listen to are from PRs calling to ask me whether I’ve received their sodding press releases. The answer to which the PR should already know, since they would have received an out of office message from my email account redirecting them to the unfortunate colleague I knew would be around in my absence.

Don't kill Bambi!

It’s hard to clarify the bleedin’ obvious, but, alas, it’s a common request from Bad PR.

Just had an irritating e-mail exchange with a PR guy. He has a client that could be relevant to a feature I’m writing and so I sent him a brief request. You know, a couple of lines outlining my focus area and would he have a senior spokesperson from client X to give his views?

So far, so good. An excellent example of journo and PR pulling in the same direction and enough to conjure up images of a Walt Disney epic from the 1940s. Happy and smiling people, arm-in-arm, skating across the ice; Bambi making its first faltering steps; and birds chirruping in the forest. Maybe there’s no need to write blogs for this site after all.

Then the PR goes and spoils it all by asking could I clarify what I’m after so “we can make sure we line you up with the right person”. I’m sorry, mate, but you have just squashed poor Bambi flat with your clunking e-mail boot and frightened off those chirruping birds.

What is there to clarify?? I simply repeated what I said in the first place, which, although brief, contained all the salient points. Bad PR, please desist from over-complicating and appearing busy just for the sake of it.

An over-reaction on my part? Tell that to Bambi.

The ‘ignore me’ flag

You’re either extremely naïve or have never used email before if you think ticking the ‘important’ flag makes the email important. If you think ticking the flag makes any difference whatsoever to the chances that I’ll open your email and pay it any more attention than it deserves you are deluding yourself. Chances are, in fact, that I will pay it even less attention than it deserves.

I’m waiting for the day when an email application enables users to add other punctuation or iconographs instead of just the little red exclamation mark. I think the dollar or pound signs might be handy to indicate that the email contains some sort of bribe or maybe a picture of a little aeroplane to signify that the release includes details of an exciting trip.

When I see an email with an exclamation mark before the subject header it invariably means that the contents of that email are not worth reading.

Time wasters need not apply

I've just finished writing a feature about a nascent and much hyped technology. I won’t bore you with the details. There is so much tech vendor hype surrounding the subject that should I type the word into this blog it would be inundated with firms who have some "great insights" and would "love to contribute" (they wouldn’t much like to advertise against it though, but that’s a different story… one more suited to a blog called bad-salesmen).

I’m digressing.

Anyway, I received countless emails and calls offering up clients for the piece. PR Land had seen the forward feature list you see. All fine and above board PR work. The rules of engagement clearly followed.

I decided that I’d do my own research and find my own impartial interviewees though. That said, I also decided to throw the PRs a line. There were simply too many VPs of Marketing to interview, so I thought I’d draw up a list of a dozen or so questions and send the same questions to all the firms. Since they're all peddling the same tech I figured I’d probably get some similar responses, but if anyone really stood out from the crowd and said something genuinely interesting I’d use the quotes. Genius.

I sent the list to one PR, who said:


> Hi Finisher
>
> Just to check, what is your deadline for this?
>
> Thanks,
> Bellinda Peregrine-Rogers
>

I said:

My deadline is Weds 13, but I'll start writing on Monday.

She said:

Great, thanks for letting me know

True to my word I started writing it on Monday, and I’d finished it by Tuesday. On Wednesday (deadline day) I got this:

Hi Finisher,

Apologies that we have not got anything over to you yet. If we can send you something tomorrow will it be of any use to you?

Thanks,
B PR

Do I tell her that since today is Wednesday, the deadline day, tomorrow will be of no use to me whatsoever, do I ignore it or do I say “great, please make sure you spend time putting together well considered responses” safe in the knowledge that she’ll have wasted her time as well of mine?

Tough call.

I don't recall

As a freelancer I have to cater for a range of commissioning styles. Some are fairly open-ended - "write whatever you want as long as its 1,000 words" - while others are prescriptive to the point of telling me what I should be wearing while sat at my keyboard banging out their demands.

One of the commissioning editors that adopts the latter approach likes to send me a big list of questions and a big list of contacts. All I have to do is email the contacts the questions, wait for them to email back their answers then get out the cut and paste kit. Hey presto, £1,000 please.

We all know that, ideally, a face to face or phone-based interview is the best way to get answers, but we're all busy people. And what with every PR under the sun now demanding to see their quotes first, sometimes it is just easier to let them email their illuminating insights - particularly when the article is 3,500 words long and you have 25 people to interview.

After sticking to this formula for a couple of years now I've built up a decent enough relationship with the regular contributors - hell, I even put some of my own questions in now and again. But then, today, a PR had to go and ruin it all. I'd already sent the contact the questions and he'd already replied to say he'd send the answers next week. SO WHY ARE YOU GETTING INVOLVED, PR????

"I noticed that you contacted Mr X for your X feature."
"Yes"
"We can put you in touch with him and sort out an interview. When is a good time for you?"
"Er..."

I explained the way I like to work for these features and left it at that.

And then this morning I got this email from the same PR (who I have never met I should add) that was addressed to the contact and presumably sent to me in error:

----- Original Message -----
From: xxxxxxx
To: xxxxxxxxx
Cc: xxxxxxxxx
Sent: Monday, August 11, 2008 11:16 AM
Subject: RE: article for xxxxx magazine on xxxxxxxxx


Hi xxxxxx,

Hope you are well – just wondered if you had started these responses? We know xxx xxxx well and he does have an available interview slot on Thursday 14th at 10.00 EST if that would save you writing?

I know xxx is looking forward to xxxx’s input and as he is a freelancer it is good to establish a relationship over the phone.

Best wishes,

xxxxx

It doesn't matter whether I'm a freelancer or editor of The Times. Once someone has agreed to do all the work for us, you don't go and undo that work. Ever. And I tell you now, if we do have this interview I will be making my unhappiness as clear as possible through the medium of a slightly sulky tone of voice and lack of opening pleasantries. Then you might learn.

The email was swiftly followed by that familiar warcry of the hapless PR. XXX would like to recall the message 'RE: article for xxxxx magazine on xxxxxxxxx'.