Communication breakdown

I got a letter today. It's always nice to get letters. They seem so much more personal than nasty old emails. Not only that, it came all the way from Germany!

Cool, I love German stuff. Well, I love fancy German cars and lovely German beers. And almost every single German I've ever met has been really nice.

Then, moments later while basking in the warm glow of all things tasteful and Teutonic, I noticed that I had another letter.

WOW! Two letters in one day. And neither of them a bill!

And, coincidentally, it came all the way from Germany too judging by the post mark.

Hang on....they're clearly both from the same source...and, what's this? Yes, it's yet another letter, it's also clearly from the same German tech firm...

Blimey, they must really want to get in touch with me.

It came as no surprise to find that the contents of each envelope were identical. They were invitations to a party.

OK, not so bad, I shouldn't really grumble about being invited to a party. Especially a party at which there was a good chance I'd get to meet even more nice Germans.

Now then, where's the email address for me to reply?

....oh, there isn't one, there's a slip of paper that I need to fill out and fax back.

Fax back!

This, from a firm that professes to be in the communications business, presumably sent by someone who works in a communications profession.

I thought Germans were supposed to be efficient.

Flattering to deceive

We all love a bit of flattery. But journalists, whose fragile ego should be massaged more lovingly than a wagyu cow, love flattery more than anyone else.

Journalism is a selfish profession. Whether it attracts selfish people or turns people selfish is up for debate. Although, frankly, it's a bit of pointless debate since the end result is the same.

PRs will tailor their communications to pander to the fragile egos of their grumpy target audience. It's all part of the media relations game. And long may it continue.

So imagine how impressed I was when I received this message:

Dear Finisher

We've been following your impressive coverage of the emerging communications, wireless and telecom markets for awhile. Can we have five minutes of your time? We're conducting a survey of the most prominent journalists and bloggers who cover the VoIP market and we'd love your input.

It's really brief. And, in return for your trouble, we'll give you an advance look at the survey results, which will almost certainly make for an interesting jumping-off point for an article or blog.

Cool. Looks like Good PR to me. I know it's probably lies, but hey, I'm a sucker for a bit of flattery, also they're offering up an instant easy News. A cunning media audit, if ever I did see one.

Now imagine how impressed I was when the Escapist said he'd just received this email:

Dear Escapist

We've been following your impressive coverage of the emerging communications, wireless and telecom markets for awhile. Can we have five minutes of your time? We're conducting a survey of the most prominent journalists and bloggers who cover the VoIP market and we'd love your input.

It's really brief. And, in return for your trouble, we'll give you an advance look at the survey results, which will almost certainly make for an interesting jumping-off point for an article or blog.

Hmmm, less impressed....

You can probably imagine how impressed I was when the Necromancer said he'd just received exactly the same flannel about his "impressive coverage".

If you're going to engage your flattery guns, you should take careful aim. This Bad PR is more blunderbuss than sniper rifle.

Anyone for coffee?

Anyone who works in telco, more specifically mobile comms, will refer to this time of year as "that time of year again". It's code among the cellco brethren, nothing more needs to be said. Sometimes the phrase is accompanied by a slight sigh of resignation.

The industry's biggest trade show happens annually in February, most (honest) people approach the show with a mixture of fear and trepidation. You have to be there, but you don't want to. Like root canal surgery without the benefits.

There is one upside to the Mobile World Congress, it usually overlaps Valentine's Day, thus giving all who attend an instant get of jail free card with the missus. Sadly, this year, not even that silver lining exists.

Like counting the rings of a fallen tree to assess its age, you can tell how many shows someone has been to by the number of deep lines furrowed across his brow. The show is the biggest of its kind for the cellular industry. Effectively, a small town consisting of tech vendors will camp in Barcelona for a week. It's like Glastonbury, only the toilets are worse.

The show, like all trade shows, is billed as a fantastic networking opportunity. Everyone will be there. It's for precisely this reason that the show is an absolute nightmare for networking. Everyone runs around from meeting to meeting, usually hungover and desperately wanting not to be there. Hands are shook, faces clocked, and names forgotten almost as soon as they're given, business cards are stuffed into bags to be left in your hotel room when you check out vowing to never come again.

Getting PR right at the show is a challenge, getting it wrong is all too common. All good fodder for Bad PR.

One simple thing you can do to improve your chances of getting journos in front of your client is host your meeting at a sensible time. The trouble is, time is a precious commodity at the show...which could be the reason that one American tech giant has decided to hold its press briefing at 7am.

Seven. A. M.

Not only that, it's the day after the Nokia party.

Maybe they're hoping to catch people on their way home. The post-club Nokia crowd, all glow sticks and whistles. I doubt it though, it's more likely that this has been a From High command delivered by a Chino slacked, Blackberry holstered, guy called Chuck, who knows nothing about how European journalists operate.

When in Barcelona do as the Catalans do Chuck, get up at a normal time, have a productive morning by all means, but the only thing happening at 7am should be your arm reaching over to press snooze button on your alarm. Get yourself a nice long lunch booked, have a nap in the afternoon, then pootle about for a bit pretending to work before decamping to the bar for a few beers. Have a nice dinner to make up for all the ham and cheese sandwiches you've eaten during the day, then spend the rest of the night drinking Coke mixed with red wine. Be careful on your way home walking up La Rambla, that girl approaching you is more interested in the contents of your wallet than the contents of your pants.

Do not, under any circumstances, organize a dull sounding meeting at 7am the day after a big party (or any other day, if we're being honest) no one will come.